Robert Smith

I’ve been resisting writing this, a eulogy for my friend—mostly because, once I got started writing, I feared that I might not be able to stop. Or want to. But today is the day of his memorial service, so since I can't be there, here it is.

Tons and tons of elegies for the man known all across the Internet as Acidman are out there for the reading—one of the most poignant, honest and most felt-by-me is from Steve Graham, who is only a hair’s breath worse writer than was the Man himself (I think Steve would agree). Paraphrasing the quote from me on his blog--which I wrote to him in email--Rob was loved and hated by nearly all who came across one of his missives. There was no middle ground. That quality speaks of a person who was alive, genuine, vital and uncompromising. What was not to love—or to hate?

But all that’s been said over and over again, ad infinitum. At first, I had decided not to put up anything further about Rob here, simply because I knew that anything I would write would be--selfishly--about my relationship with him. (Steve mentioned this phenomenon in the link above.) But, if I am to talk about Rob, there is no way that I can avoid this, since most observers know that Rob and I had complicated relationship and worshipped each other from afar.

It started with me commenting on his blog, usually about his posts regarding women, specifically about his ex-wife and their tussles regarding their son. My emails would contain detailed information, demonstrating that women aren’t the only ones capable of being as cold-hearted as his ex was to him (I have an ex-spouse also.) Occasionally I would comment on his race-related posts, without letting on that I am black and a Californian.

When I started my blog in 2003 and had been posting for a bit, I sent him a link. He linked to me immediately and marveled at how much we agreed on certain things, considering our divergent demographics.

Our relationship went pretty smoothly for a bit—always with him extending the occasional invitation to visit him at his home in Georgia. Wining, dining and gentlemanly behavior were always promised along with the honest admission that he would do his best to talk my clothes off.

Then came the n-word controversy. Denunciations and delinkings came from far and wide.

Rob’s post containing the n-word in an epithetical context came in the wake of a trip he took to Jamaica. I always suspected that he did some hardcore drugs on that vacation (as did many others), because immediately following his return, his post were nonsensical, mean, full of misspellings and full of grammatical errors. And if you know of Gut Rumbles and of its author—the possessor of an undergraduate degree in English Literature—you know that these types of errors were anomalies. He only seemed to slowly shake it off.

To make a long story short, I stopped talking to him for a bit. Then--as often happens with me and with those whom I care about—I got tired of being mad and we ‘squashed’ it.

I talked to him on the phone once for a couple of hours. His voice was warm, musical and only slightly Southern. He called me without identifying himself and, at first, and I wondered which old boyfriend had looked me up. (Yes, his voice had the cadence that many black men have, though not all of my old boyfriends have been black.)

I don’t remember a damned thing we talked about. All I remember is saying happily, “Rob…,” when he said who it was.

For whatever reason, I adored that man.

Of course, I know that I’m not alone. Rob had “wimmen” throwing their drawers at him left and right. I read about some of that drama occasionally, with rueful amusement. I’m sorry that none of them could make him happy. He had a quality that drew people to him--men, too--
often, as they were kicking and screaming.

Some part of me hopes that Rob is in a place which is identical to his beloved Costa Rica—where the women and sun are warm, where the alcohol will have all of its benefits and none of the drawbacks, where Rob has never had prostate cancer and has a working, willing and inspired “Roscoe,” and where he can communicate and be understood. And that part of me wishes that he's there at that mythical place acting as father to a young boy who looks a lot like one Quinton Smith and to a beautiful young woman who looks a lot like one Samantha Smith until the genuine articles meet him there a long time from now.

However, I am a Christian. I believe in the saving Power of Jesus Christ and in an Afterlife spent in Heaven or Hell. There’s no getting around that for me, nor for the friend whom I loved so much. That’s the biggest part of what has kept me from writing extensively about Rob’s passing.

Rob was an uncompromising atheist. Of course I prayed for him, as did Steve and, undoubtedly, as did countless other Christians who allow themselves to love those who don’t believe as they do.

Due to a (now deleted) post, which immediately preceded his death, the speculation is that Rob committed suicide, even though Samantha said that there was no physical evidence of that. I pray that the physical evidence points to the facts of a "natural" death, as I pray that Rob had time to ask the Lord for forgiveness and redemption before he left us. As I said, there's no getting around that for me.

So there we are. Actually I don't want to know the details of Rob's death ever and I hope that Samantha doesn't post them one way or the other. When it's my time to meet the Lord, I will rejoice in doing so. But, afterward, I will look for Robert Smith.

I pray that I will find him there.

UPDATE: Here's a post from one of Rob's guestblogging stints right here at this blog.

Comments

[Tully]

Nothin' to say but "Amen."

[Og the Neanderpundit]

You are a good friend and a fine Christian gentlewoman.

You, as Rob, are ever in my prayers.

[Otpu]

I can't claim to have known Rob except through his writings and the writings of others but I do know this, if a person loves life, loves people, and loves God, even if he publicly denies such an entity could possibly exist, then our loving savior who is much wiser than both of us, will find a way to lift that man up.

Do not weep for Rob, if you can see enough good there to want to save him then I'm sure our Lord and Savior can find even more good reasons to rescue that foul mouthed rascal.

Otpu

[Donnie]

Wow, Sis. You've outdone yourself.

[Jim]

God Bless you and keep you, blogsis. As I pray he keeps Rob.

I've much to tell you. Write to me, please.

As Donnie said, you've indeed given a great tribute to Rob here. But this isn't the end.

No, it's only the beginning.

Jim
Sloop New Dawn
Galveston, TX

[RedNeck]

J. I was fine until you mentioned the part about Q. I needed some windshield wipers after that part though. I couldn't imagine havin' to be separated like that from my boy. I think, hell, I'm sure, it was difficult for him as well.

Well stated, and I hope your closin' lines are indeed what happened.

Bless you J.

[Marianne]

I'm trying to remember where I read it (it might have even been in one of Rob's comment-trails, but I'm thinking not ...) maybe something AA related, but it was the greatest line and I used to think of it when I'd read the A-man spouting off sometimes -- I'm probably paraphrasing but it was something along the line of "It's not so much a question of whether or not you believe in God, but rather how much does God believe in YOU?" I kinda think God probably believes in Rob Smith , and that his good qualities will outweigh whatever lapses in judgment he may have had in life. What Otpu says up there ...

[Liz]

That was so lovely, Juliette, even though it's so sad.

[Lisa W.]

Juliette,
I found you awhile back via Rob and I've been a sporadic visitor eversince. I'm so glad someone pointed me here today (Caltechgirl) - this was an amazing heartfelt piece of writing. Thank you for sharing your memories with us.

[Laughing Wolf]

My thoughts go out to you too during this time. All I can say is well said, and well written. Then again, that is only what I, and Rob, would have expected. Thank you so much for saying it.

[Rustmeister]

I knew you'd get around to it in your time. Great writing.

What I admired about Rob was his ability to push people out of their comfort zone. We all need that from time to time.

There may be others like him in the future, but there will be only one Acidman.

Rust

[Mamamontezz/Lila]

Beautiful. I'm sorry for your loss, J, for our loss.

[livey]

Juliette,
After meeting Robs family, and some conversations I had with Rob, I do not believe he was the atheist he says he was. I think he was angry with God more than anything.
You would have loved the service.It was absolutely perfect for Rob. I talked to the priest after the service and he told me he was nervous about this one.
I believe that Rob is with his beloved mama.
Wish you coulda been there.

[Catfish]

Very good. I wished you could have met the old bowleggs. He told me, after I put my two feet in my mouth, on your blog, that I would really love you. That you were a good, strong, hard working person, who worked for everything she has ever gotten. He liked reading you, Cat

[Dana]

Rob and I once sat together, sharing tears, shortly after his Mama's death. I told him, knowing that his Mama was a God-fearing woman who loved the Lord, that "she's in a better place now." And Rob shook his head in agreement and replied, "I know she is." I then winked at him and commented on his lack of beliefs when he commented "you know better."

I truly believe that Rob believed in God, but blamed God for his life choices and therefore, resented God for not sparing him. You have to believe in something to be able to resent it. I also truly believe that Rob reached out to God before his passing. I just have a peace in my soul...

Juliette, I know Rob absolutely adored you. You were, by far, his favorite blogger. You are one of the only people he truly trusted. Thank you for writing this eulogy and tribute to him. As one of his friends and fans, I am grateful to you...

[anon]

If he has gone to hell, I'm sure that I will meet him there.

baldilocks sez: See, anon? This is what happens when you 'clown' on somebody's blog; especially in a eulogy post.

[Rosemary]

Dear Baldilocks,
I am sorry to hear this news. I send my condolencenses to you and everyone who knew him. Remember the good times, man.

[Wes Jackson]

Thank you, Juliette.

[attentionseeker]

Juliette, that was the best eulogy for Acidman that I've seen yet, thank you. He was one of a kind, was he not?

[Velociman]

Well said Baby.

[Key]

I'm so glad that you addressed that... the redemption angle. It has been eating at me. But you are right, we don't know what was in his heart before he went. And so, let us hope for the best. After all, the boy WAS raised right. We know that.

I feel as though over the past three years, you and I tended to love and hate the man at the same moments. And I feel that we will miss him in much the same way. The fire on the blog, the gentleness in the voice...

Good to hear from you.

[Anastasia]

Beautiful and honest tribute to a man I cared for from afar. I read him everyday and if he did not post, I worried about him. I too, choose to believe that he asked God for forgiveness at the end. I hope when I get there, he will be there and I will finally get to meet him. He was so right - most of the time. When he got out of line, we all forgave him and moved on. Thanks J - great post.

[bleedingbrain]

Hi Juliette,

It is very sad to lose rob Smith.

I hope and wish that he had called upon the name of the Lord before his life was required of him.

[Grim]

Forgive me, Juliette, as I don't post here often. Still, you touch on an issue I've thought about a lot: the problem of suicide, and damnation.

I wonder if it isn't the case that our theologians have it both right and wrong. Right, insofar as they recognize that suicide is an act of despair, a particularly grave sin; but wrong, in that they miss the lesson of Doubting Thomas. Thomas insisted on proof before he believed, and was yet blessed.

I hold out hope, at least, that kindness at last overwhelms justice. This is what we mean when we say the word "Grace," and I don't think we're wrong to believe in it.

[joe]

Well... I hope Rob is well set in the afterlife. And, you are a truly good woman to have overlooked his faults and foibles and loved him for the good parts.

I, too, wondered about the suicide aspect, and am saddened that others picked up on the possibility. I had a great friend from our military days kill himself this spring, and the tears still come about when I look at his memorial web page. I guess "gutrumbles" will serve as Rob's memorial.

And, a fine one at that.

[Tessa]

Rob once mentioned that he 'knew' his Mother wasn't in her grave. When I asked him where he thought she was, since he claimed to be an atheist, he didn't respond.

Excellent post, young lady.