Fear Factor

Talking to my dad on Sunday night, I told him about a commentary that a reader of my blog had sent me from the Denver Post entitled “Wanted: eligible black men.” Dad, ever one to cut to the chase, had this response: “What else is new?”

Here are some snippets from the article.

Since I arrived in May 2003, I've heard women of all stripes complain about the lack of eligible professional men, but I wanted numbers to see if it was true.

After analyzing census statistics, I found that Latinas, Asian women and white women have no reason to complain; there is a surplus of educated men in their ethnic group. Besides, Asians and Latinos are more likely than African-Americans to marry outside of their culture.

Only among African-Americans is the reverse statistic true: There are more educated professional black women than men.

Figures for 2003, the most recent data available, show there are 26,433 black women in the metro area who have "some college or more," compared with 23,389 black men.

And in the job market, where many people find their mate, black women outnumber black men by several thousand in white-collar jobs. There are about 4,600 more women than men in management positions, 2,000 more women in other professional positions.

Those don’t really sound like insurmountable odds to me.

To those who say black women aren't willing to give a brother who has potential a chance, Scott balks. She's dated a bus driver, a used-car salesman, even an ex-con.

No problem with the first two, but an ex-con would have to jump through some serious hoops for me to show that he had reformed. (Sorry, Solomon, but sounds like you’ve jumped through those hoops and one good lady cut you some slack and hit the jackpot.) As I said before, I think that if black people—especially women looking for a date/mate—attached more stigma to those of their number who have broken the law, there’d be a lot fewer black men in prison.

"What he does isn't as important as who he is," she said. But she doesn't want a man who hasn't accomplished anything and keeps chasing a dream.

Really? Hasn’t the man who has “accomplished something” been a dream-chaser at one time? And even if he has “accomplished something,” is it time to stop dreaming?

Other black women complain that in Denver, unlike other cities, there is [sic] a large number of black men who prefer white women, making the pool of eligible men even smaller. They wonder: Are these men picking white women because they consider them trophies? Is it a case of internalized racism? Or are they just open to dating and happened to wind up with a Caucasian?

Sherry Weston, 49, a diversity trainer who has a master's degree, says it shouldn't matter who you date as long as you know who you are.

She describes herself as someone who is rooted in African-American culture, but has had friends of all backgrounds throughout her life. That's why she has no problem dating outside of her race.

During the 31 years she has lived in Denver she has dated just a handful of black men. For the past three years she has dated a Chicano man, a relationship that's "the best thing that ever happened to me."

Everyone has their preferences, so if some black women prefer black men exclusively, it’s no one’s business.

(As for me, I like men of all races, so finding the “perfect” black man hasn’t been my problem. But I’ll get to the personal later.)

She has clients who date married men on the sly, and others who essentially "buy" men by letting them live in their houses, just so they have some company.

In other words, they accepted "men" who were vultures and they were the carcasses.

She said some clients tell her they date white men but feel unsatisfied because they don't think they're connecting on a deeper level with someone who understands them.

That has been my problem. No, not that *white* men don’t understand me; the problem has been that none of them—black, white or indifferent—do. But consider this: I am still learning to understand myself.

"A few of them have told me they are so tired of being alone that they're considering becoming gay," she said.

Um, okay. This one I’m definitely not feeling (in infinite ways), but consider the lack of logic in this statement. Leaving Christian considerations aside, if a woman feels that she could have a sexual/romantic relationship with another woman, why is she complaining about the dearth of men in the first place?

Then there are the women who have fled Denver, hoping for better luck in chocolate cities such as Atlanta, Detroit, and Washington, D.C.

One of those women returned to Denver three weeks ago and complained that in her five years in Atlanta she dated seriously only three black men. The rest, she informed Richardson, were all "players."

Players can only play with the playable. I’d certainly like to know what was wrong with the non-players, however.

It might seem odd for a woman who has been divorced for twelve years and who hasn’t dated in quite a while to semi-fisk this missive. Certainly, I understand where most of these anonymous ladies are coming from; to a point.

The reason, however, that I put a halt to the dating scene wasn’t because of lack of offers. It was because the relationships ended up being emotionally unsatisfying—for me and for the men involved.

I stopped to take stock, something I’m still doing. Did I find myself doing things against my better judgment to hold on to a guy? Why, yes. And you know what that stemmed from? Fear; fear of being alone for the duration of my life; fear of being pointed at and mocked as the old “spinster” lady who never had children; oh the list is endless.

Fear bites.

It just so happens that when I talked to my dad, he was preparing a sermon on fear—he’s an associate pastor at my uncle’s—his younger brother’s—Methodist church. When he told me that, I was like “yes!” It was the emotion that pervaded this article, but I couldn’t quite put a name on it.

Dad was using the Twenty-third Psalm as his talking point: “The Lord is my shepherd…” Since a certain event a few years back, whenever someone mentions that Psalm, Flight 93’s Todd Beamer—who recited it with GTE operator Lisa Jefferson--immediately pops into my mind. Certainly that gentleman found himself in a predicament in which fear was in order. But he called on the squelcher of fears.

There are big fears—like that of the now-immortal Mr. Beamer’s--little ones and medium-sized ones. Fear is natural. However, it’s what one does in the face of any fear that matters. Do you give in to it or do you rise above it? In my opinion, operating controlled by any fear always leads to folly.

Personally, I felt the need to take an extended break from the dating thing to confront my own fears head on and to see if changes could be made in half of the equation in my relationships: me.

But I’ve battled with and mastered the fear that these ladies are likely still struggling with, so here’s my advice: live and follow your dreams, the ones that only you have control over. If you are a Christian, pray and ask for wisdom, guidance and peace. If you aren’t, find those three things in whatever way you can. Most of all, don’t settle for less than what you want. Don’t get mad at the men who are less than what you want, but don’t lower your standards.

You’ll be more unhappy than you *think* you are right now.

(Thanks to reader ErikZ)

AFTERTHOUGHT: Desperation is a most unattractive trait.

Comments

[Francis]

Reminds me of the Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear in Dune by Frank Herbert

I must not fear for fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

[ErikZ]

I've heard about this before. But short of a few religious groups, I've never heard of any other ethnic/race group being so picky.

Of course, I don't get out much.

And your afterthought really rings a bell with me. For the past few days I've been caught between a desperate guy, and the girl who wants nothing to do with him.

The mental gymnastics he performs to hold onto his denial are amazing! And is the only reason I'm still involved in the mess.

[ricardo]

Nice article :)

[King of Fools]

Very nicely put. I like how you tied your own situation into the essay. I respect the desire to understand and be understood. For so many people, dating & relationships are an attempt to feed their own needs and who cares about the other person. Even seemingly unselfish attention can be selfishly motivated.

Although I love being married, I completely respect the brand of singlehood you have embraced.

[Ruth H]

I have been married for almost 47 years. If I had waited till I found someone who "understood me" I would still be unmarried. I have seen many relationships and marriages in those years and I can count on one hand the marriages where the partners understood each other. In life we are constantly evolving, changing, and so are our relationships. Some claim to "outgrow" the other partner. Some just evolve along with them. Why do we think we should be understood, when as you say, and I agree that we do not actually understand ourselves. There are apparently some narrow vision people out there who do think they understand themselves but I'm pretty sure they are deluded. What we need is acceptance, to be accepted and to accept.
That is the answer to life. If you cannot accept someone as they are, move on. But always cut them the same slack you would expect for yourself.

[Acidman]

Feeling fear is natural. Just don't let it paralyze you. I believe that in many relationships, people will settle for what they can get rather than look for the "right" one. It's the easy way out.

That's easy for me to say, because I'm a crusty old bachelor who doesn't feel the overwhelming need for a partner right now.

[baldilocks]

Ruth: It's a different world than was so forty-seven years ago. There are many things inmplicit in that understanding. Here's one: don't lie, by omission or commission. You'd be surprised how hard it is to find one who follows that seemingly simple creed.

[beckie]

Dang, can we just write that up & send it to every middle-schooler in America?

So much truth & wisdom in those words.

I'm going to print it out & send it to my soldier daughter who always falls for the ones who need rescuing, rather than the ones that are more than what she wants (to turn your phrase).

Thank your for your well thought out post.

And an even bigger thanks for your whole "Presidents' Day" (with the many presidents--post). My golly you worked hard on those & blessed me tremendously by them!

Keep on keeping on...you're an inspiration.

Beckie

[Steve in Boston]

Hmm.. excellent post, B.

I truly hope you find the right guy (not the perfect guy, mind you.. you've already found him via your faith :p)

I feel sorry for you in some ways, and envious in others. I do feel sorry for the guy you haven't found yet tho.. he's missing out big big :)

21 yrs married this coming June.. ain't no picnic, that's for sure. Now, for the amazing part? We met in March '84, both USN. We both got orders in May '84, me to a ship in San Diego, her to Harold E. Holt, Australia.. no way to get orders together, so we got married in June '84. Wisely we waited 3 years to have kids.. now we have 3 kids (oldest will be 18 in April).

I'm amazed each and every day that we're still married.. happy, but amazed :)

The say God acts in mysterious ways, and I'm inclined to agree..

Acid: Sorry bro, but I just can't let this one pass, you left yourself wide open.. so here's fair warning *INCOMING*

I guess we can safely assume you have it all well in hand then, eh? ;)

[tiffany]

"Players can only play with the playable. I’d certainly like to know what was wrong with the non-players, however."

all the non-players are either short, broke, ugly or have ZERO personality. sometimes all at once. that's why they ain't got nobody. trust me, i live in atlanta. i've seen these men. had to dodge a few of 'em.*

atlanta is a single's city. something like 69% of the folks inside of "the perimeter" (i-285) are unmarried. you find players on both sides, but if you're a woman, it will *defintitely* seem like the men are all dogs.

---
* i'm joking ... sort of.

[terry]

There are apparently some narrow vision people out there who do think they understand themselves but I'm pretty sure they are deluded. What we need is acceptance, to be accepted and to accept.

Ruth, the 'deluded' bit made me laugh out loud. I think you and Baldilocks have the same yardstick but are measuring from different ends.

C'mon, girls. Betcha Ruth would agree everyone should work on understanding themselves and Baldi, you certainly would say self-understanding's a lifelong endeavor, something you always strive for but never come to the end of.

I'm a little closer to Ruth's emphasis on acceptance, maybe because it's harder for me and I recognize the need to work on that myself, but they're both essential to a full life, aren't they?

[Steve in Boston]

Terry:

Measure? Yardstick? ACK! Women DO have high standards.. how's a guy sposed to live up to those expectations?

Trust me, those are two words you NEVER want to include in the same sentence when discussing the "short comings" of men... ;)

[baldilocks]

LOL!

[terry]

Steve, Steve, it's a compliment, don't you see? A yardstick! Now if we pull out one of those little 6-inch sewing rulers, then you've got a right to worry.

[skinner]

I have to commend everyone who commented on this post I read the entire script and didnt hace to read the term SOULMATE once thankyou thankyou thankyou I dont understand ,though, why people say they dont understand themselfs I understand myself completely { eccept for when I have those dreams where im driving locamotives to tahiti and throwing passengers off} But Im not bagging Im really not that complex....... My girlfreind understands me too.... like when I take a shower and come out ,sneaking up on her, clinging to the walls,and disguized as a mobile towel rack Its all about communication