She's Had Enough

Ms. Catalano, you're not alone.

As someone who comes from a long line of crazy broads depression-prone women (men too; sorry Mom, it had to be said), I can relate. I have my bouts with it, un-medicated, as I have for years (used to self-medicate, but that went out the door with the cigarettes).

There’s at least one bi-polar in my maternal line—boy, is that one a broom-rider--and all of us have experienced some chronic depression of varying degrees. Of course, over the years, more than a few have speculated that the broom was my primary form of transportation also.

For me, it’s there, always there: the rage, the sadness. Just don’t talk to me. The sound of your voice is infuriating (especially if it’s higher in tone). However, I seem to have developed a trick that none of my relatives seem to have: I can become rather detached from my emotions, as if I’m a separate person watch the other me get PO’d, frightened, upset. Some have called it cold-bloodedness.

I had been offered anti-depressants by a psychologist I was seeing. My response was, “not only no, but Hell no.” From what I had seen of those who’d been taking anti-depressants, it seemed to take care of one set of neuroses while introducing yet another, weirder set. To put it bluntly, everyone I knew that took those things seemed crazier taking them than they had been before. Anti-depressants disconnected some chains of logic in some people, or so it seemed to me. I suppose those things help some people function, get them through the day and/or keep them from murdering someone. I just can’t see myself taking them.

It’s said that depression is a chemical deficiency. I suppose that explains why, sometimes, exercise alleviates it, as it does with me, to a point. As I turn up the intensity during the walk/run/lift, I can feel whatever dark mood I woke up with lift off of me. The blood is flowing, the sluggish system begins to run smoothly. If I miss one, however, don’t talk to me until noon.

So I’m stuck with the neuroses with which I’m familiar and will continue to forego the Paxil-induced ones that Michele has described as having one’s emotions “too under wrap.” (Having observed enough folks on similar meds, I would describe the phenomenon as what I naturally do myself: disconnect from emotions. Except that the anti-depressants seem to go overboard in this area, as some meds are wont to do.) I’m totally un-medicated, unless you count caffeine. I exercise, I meditate, I wrestle my demons into submission and, best and most of all, I pray.

Be well, Michele.

Comments

[michele]

Thank you. I'm going to send you an email later.

[Indigo]

Shucks!!! I left a comment at Michele's page and forgot to say "Bon Voyage and God's Speed". Got carried away in my message to that lovely girl.

[og]

It's imporant to do what's right for you. if exercise does it, then by all means, go for it.
It's also important that you have someone you can trust to keep an eye on you; my wife is bipolar, and as long as her meds are working and in balance she's fine; if they go off kilter she's a mess. The problem is, no matter what way she feels, she feels that she is just fine. For her, she cannot differentiate between "normal" behavior and manic attacks. I have no doubt someone loves you enough to be there for you, pay attention to that person.

[baldilocks]

I'm not bipolar (I don't think) but there's one in the family (not my mother). No mania (others would tell me, believe it.) Just your generic misanthropy, controlled by Christianity. But thanks, og.

[Kong]

I have depression on and off as well. It is like having a little voice in your head constantly telling you your life is shit. Only way I ever found to truely get rid of it is to find ways of proving that voice wrong.

Good for you for not getting on the SSRI's. When I went through depression the second time I thought about getting on them, but fortunately I did research on how they work. As Serotonin is involved in your digestion, sexual arousal, cardiovasucular system, and brain function taking those pills is like hitting every button in a power plant hoping one of them will stop the meltdown. May work but the results are going to be unpredictable.

Kong

[ewo]

I can relate. I've had much better results confronting my demons (abused as a kid; scars on my back from being whipped with a belt) than taking Celexa. It's kinda been rough on the significant others, though, from time to time.

[aaron]

You may want to look into ADD as well. It's common when there's a family history of Manic-Depressiveness. The symptoms often lead to depression.

One anti-depresant that's used to treat ADD instead of stimulants is Norpramin, which looks interesting. Like Baldilock said, most medicine trades one set of symptoms for another, and it can take a long time to find the right one. It's probably better to avoid them.

The best medicine, for almost anything, is being active and getting lots of exersize.

"Driven to Distraction" is a good book. It's by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey.

[Helen]

Girl, I can relate. Exercise helps, and God forbid if I skip, but sometimes I get too down to workout. No pills. Who wants to be hooked on pills?

[Ith]

They gave me paxil for a GI tract problem, and it was awful. I couldn't write anymore. It was like someone tunred off my muse switch. Then I ended up allergic to it, so I stopped taking it. I decided the cure was worse than the disease for me.

I'm afraid of flying so Zoloft was prescribed, and that made me so depressed I scared Nin when we were on the flight home.

[teal marie]

Dear Juliette,
I had no idea you suffer from depression. I thought you were just very dignified and cool-headed.
If it feels to you that some brain chemical is missing, you might like to try some natural supplements. Kelp and alfalfa have much to offer.
They are full of minerals and amino acids and enzymes, nutritious to your whole body and no side effects.
When I feel diminished, sad or just out of wack, I go for wheat grass shooters at the health food store. Tastes just like new mown lawn, but I really feel restored fast!
Please take care, you wonderful person. I hope it helps to know that you've inspired perfect strangers to respect and admire you for this awesome blog you produce.

[baldilocks]

No ADD; no manic. Just depressive.

Teal marie:

Yeah, I drink that stuff in the morning. Makes everything come out all right.

For the record, I don’t feel like anything’s missing. Others say that I’m moodier than most people, however. (The words “shut the f**k up” are often being restrained on my mental leash with many people.) Sometimes you have to listen to other people when they tell you that your abnormalities are causing problems. Sometimes.

All’s well, though. Thanks for caring.

[S-Train]

My dear sista, I battle demons everyday, every minute, and every hour. Past criminal deeds and gang life ain't easy to shake off. That's why I practice Hapkido. Martial arts helps me immensely. You doing the right thing.

[Jack]

My mother is bipolar, and I suffered from chronic depression from my earliest memory until fairly recently, when I managed to climb out of the Black Pit of Despair.

At times I feel that misanthropy is the only rational response to the actions of the human race, and that depression arises from highly intelligent people recognizing how screwed up the world is. Fortunately, I overcame my depression without the use of medication.

I can definitely relate to what you describe in how you feel.