Of Prodigals and Daughters

I had a nice lunch today with my 6 feet, 4 inch, dreadlocked “little” brother. He’s my stepbrother, but with us both being children of divorce, the prefix “step” is only used for explanation purposes. His (our) dad has been married to my (our) mom for thirty years.

We haven’t been very close over the years, mostly due to my being away from home and due to the different paths we each had taken in life—he’s spent some time “away from home” as well. Nothing violent or horrifying, but his waywardness had angered me for a long time. One might understand why I am as hardcore as I am about chronic lawlessness.

I was ticked at him for a while. He’s not stupid, nor poor, nor fatherless. He just wanted to do wrong and he admits as much. The good thing about him is that he blames no one but himself for his misdeeds.

For the “good” child, watching one’s misbehaving sibling taking up the time and resources of one’s hard-working parents builds a lot of resentment. I had told my parents to “let him swing” after he messed up over and over again. They finally listened. He would either make a hard u-turn or he would end up in prison for a long stretch. Or dead.

Due to a lot of prayer and to his own self-determination, Little Brother still here and is upright. What finally got to him is what should get to all bad actors: he became a father. Additionally, his daughter was born several years ago while he was “away from home.” My niece means the world to him and he takes his responsibility seriously. Real estate and construction are now his forte (and he’s been pretty successful at it); he decided that other areas of salesmanship just weren't his cup of tea.

******

Much is made of how the absence of a father can harm a boy’s life. However, I see everyday just how adversely the lives of girls are effected due to this lack.

Being the father of a girl, I hope my brother realizes how his abilities as a father will influence her later attitudes toward men. For her, he is the hero and the protector and, often, the sterner disciplinarian. Without him, or through his indifference (or abuse), she will likely grow up to believe that most men are weak and/or untrustworthy. She may even grow up to believe that she doesn’t need men at all.

So the next time you hear a woman cutting down all men, ask yourself where her father is and what he’s done for--or to--her. Ask yourself whether she even knows who he is. And, if you’re really brave, ask her. The answer might not be a surprise.

Comments

[Sara]

Wow, I can really relate to this. I think you're dead on.

[King of Fools]

There are two key issues for men today (at least in my opinion): The breakdown of the family (lack of role models) and the feminization of men (warped role definition). Both result in men who do not understand who they are as husbands and fathers. The lack of a father damages both both sons and daughters. Mothers provide nurture which is very necessary; but fathers provide security and acceptance. It is hard to think of a sadder situation than a father who cannot give acceptance to his child.

For your reading pleasure, here is a very interesting (and amusing article) about gender equity.

[red]

A very very moving and truthful post. Thank you.

[Annmarie aka Mickey]

Great post! I hope things work out for your brother.

To King of Fools - I respectfully disagree. Good parents are good parents, whether they be single or married, male or female.
In regard to the article you mentioned I don't undertand why the children were separated.
Could be I just don't see why labeling or gender separation is necessary. Good thing too, or I guess I wouldn't be able to appreciate someone like this blog's owner deciding to serve her country the way she did/does. Apparently, in some people's opinions, that qualifies as a male role model,not a female one.

[JC]

It's true that single parents can be good parents, but 2 good parents are better than only 1 good parent. There is no such thing as a child who doesn't want--or NEED--a good mom AND a good dad.

[Sue]

It's always easier for a child to have two trusted adults (or more). It's silly to think they have to be one male and one female, though. Having a trusted adult helps the child balance his/her input, and make sense of things that maybe he/she wouldn't be comfortable discussing with the primary care giver.

The gender or sexual orientation of the person being the trusted adult is irrelevant. It's the connection with the child that's important, not the large variety of other attributes a parent or trusted adult may also have.

re: the article -- it's just as bad to force any set of attributes on any population. I have one son who is extremely emotional. So is my husband. They weren't "corrected" to be this way, that's just how they are wired. Allowing them to be this way is what should be at the heart of this. That if a person who is male is oriented toward emotional relationships, this is not bad or good, but rather a part of who he is. Ditto a female who is a strong leader, is analytical and has good spatial reasoning -- these are characteristics of the person, not his or her gender, and should not speak for all persons who share that gender.